Existence
by Destria Cosplay
Summary: How do you define your existence? is it through your actions, yourself or through the eyes of others? The final two scenes that appear in "An Episode of Ayanami Rei." *two-shot*
1. Trapped

**Disclaimer: As always i do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or the characters They are the property of Gainax studios and i wish they were mine!**

**Part 2 of the scenes i used in An episode of Ayanami Rei, part three will be put into this story making it a 2 part story!**

**Existance**

**Infirmary**

_Heavy. My body feels heavy… What happened?_ I slowly open my eye, my left is bandaged. "Familiar ceiling," I murmur slowly, staring up at the infirmary ceiling. It is the same ceiling I find myself gazing at after an accident with Eva. The same ceiling that defines my existence, my role as a pilot. I slowly bring my hand up under my weary gaze, _I'm still alive. _It wasn't acknowledgement but a simple and sad fact. I still exist.

_What happened. Why am I here? _I sit up suddenly in realisation, ignoring the protests of pain that my body sends me. My blue bangs brushing near my field of vision. "Ikari," I whisper softly as though he would be the one waiting for me to awaken, turning my eyes to my bedside.

Images of a berserk Unit 01 surface from my memory. The renegade Evangelion devouring the 9th angel becoming a beast. A force not bound by mankind but a savage animal.

"Ikari…"

**3 Days later – Dummy plug core facility**

_It's been 3 days_. _3 days, and still Ikari hasn't come out of Unit 01. Does he wish to remain there? Does he find comfort in that solitude?_ My eyes are closed, my body bare and mind at ease. It is necessary in order to synchronise with my other selves. Selves that currently have no purpose and just exist. They are like me, just an empty shell, hollow on the inside. We are beings just like a scarecrow. We have a function and use, but are made of nothing but straw on the inside. I open my eyes to stare at the world tinted orange. _It smells like blood. _

"You're not going to Unit 01's side?" I ask the commander as I exit the chamber. He is sitting there, towel in hand.

"Dr Akagi will take care of everything," he states, adjusting his glasses. "There's no need for me to go." I stand before him, he towers over me, carefully draping the towel over my shoulders. It quickly becomes tainted with the colour of LCL.

"What's going to happen to him?" I ask as we gaze at each other, it wasn't one of trust, just one of acknowledgement to a superior.

"What's going to happen? No one knows yet… It may be that only Eva knows for sure."

His eyes widen slightly in surprise as he brings his hand up to caress my cheek. _No! Don't touch me! _My hand instantly shoots up to block his advance a shocked expression flashing across my facial features for the first time.

"Rei…" the commander states a small amount of worry evident in his voice.

"Sir, I have to go," I monotonously reply quickly walking off. I never once looked back at the commander.

_Who am I? I never understood myself. There's a void in me. It's always there, always empty. I feel as though I'm made of straw. I remember being afraid of it. I'd fill it up by thinking of Commander Ikari. _

_But one day, before I knew what was happening… he was there inside. I didn't think he'd come back after Suzuhara, but he did come back. He saved us all. _

_Shinji… Come back again. You must not stay there. _

**4 days later – Unit 01 cages – Salvage operation**

"Doctor, the pulse, it's become fixed in a loop!" Maya shouted over the intercom. I could only stand there and watch as the technicians attempted to retrieve Ikari from the Eva.

"Set for omni-directional rebroadcast! Transmit over entire range of wave forms!" Doctor Akagi ordered in response. Her face growing concerned.

"Negative!" Maya responded, panic evident in her voice. "The signals trapped in a klein space!"

"What does that mean!?" Major Katuragi asked in worry, turning her attention to Doctor Akagi. Doctor Akagi didn't even look at her.

"Shut… it down."

_What did she just say? _I ran to the balcony overseeing unit 01, as the sounds within the command centre continued to be heard over the intercom.

"Eva has rejected the signal! Plug pressure rising"

"Shut it down! Abort sequence! Cut all incoming power!"

"It's not working! The plug's being ejected!"

I watched as the entry plug opened. A wave of LCL spilled out of its depths. With it, Ikari's clothing tumbled into existence and then out of sight. All that was Ikari was within that entry plug, the throne of the soul. I stood, cemented the ground, watching Unit 01. _Shinji. Are you going to stay in there forever? _Did he find solace within the Eva's confines or did Eva not want to let him go?

_No. There is still time. Please… Come back Ikari! I don't want to be made of straw anymore. _

I put my hands together as though in a prayer. There was still time. There was still a chance for him to return. There was still a chance for me not to be empty, incomplete… hollow.

_I am you. You are myself. You are what used to be me. _I lean heavily onto the handrail. I am projecting myself to Unit 01. I won't let it take Ikari. I won't let it take what is most important to me. I won't let Eva control him.

Yes. You are me. I am what used to be you. So then… Why? Why do you interfere?

It's reply comes heavy and weighs me down. It's nothing like the void that exists within me._ You can't! Don't take Ikari away._ My legs grow weak. That illuming darkness is drawing near._ Give him back to me! _My eyes close in concentration, making it a command. My knees hit the ground but it doesn't even register.

"What's the point of all this, if it can't even save one life?" sobbed Major Katsuragi. She had collapsed on the gangway, hugging Ikari's shirt. "Give Shinji back! Give him back!" She demanded at Unit 01.

_Give Ikari back! I won't let you take him away._ A soft thud causes me to look up. Ikari is there, lying in the LCL. "Shinji!" shouted Major Katsuragi as she hugged Ikari.

My breathing is short and laboured. I am barely able to support my own body weight. but...

"I feel… happy."

**2 days later – NERV corridors**

The sunlight is pouring through the windows of NERV. It isn't real sunlight, just an artificial creation used to illuminate the Geofront. I sigh softly as I walk the corridors, pushing the trolley full of medical supplies. It's been 2 days since Ikari emerged from Unit 01 and he continues to reside in the infirmary under that familiar ceiling. I sigh softly as I continue forwards. The door to my left suddenly slides open, as my eyes open wide in shock.

"Ikari," I automatically respond.

"Ayanami," he replies back to me. His dark hazel eyes gaze into my crimson ones. It wasn't full of passion or love, just acknowledgement and maybe even awe. "Th… thank you."

"Why?" I ask. _He has no reason to thank me.  
_ "Why? I don't know. I really don't know," he fidgets nervously. "But I felt like thanking you when I saw you."

My eyes advert from his gaze as I tighten my grip ever so slightly on the trolley. "Ikari… I'm glad that I saw you again. But… was this what you wanted?" I ask unsure of myself. Did I do the right thing? Was I being selfish in my desires?

"To be honest, I don't know that either. I don't remember what happened inside the Eva," my eyes continue to advert from his. Neither of us knew what was right or wrong or what we wanted. We just continued our existence. Simply for the sake of that promise. "It's just…" my eyes snap back to Ikari's hazel ones. His gaze was… comforting.

"I'm glad I saw you again as well, Ayanami."


	2. Your Hand

**Finally the last part to all the scenes i used in "An episode of Ayanami Rei." I will start work on the epilogue now. As always, i do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, regardless of how much i wished i did.**

* * *

**Your Hand**

**NERV gardens**

Peace. Serenity. Tranquillity. Those are the words that describe this place. This state of mind. This calmness.

The artificial sunlight reflected of the river of water. There was no sound besides the soft fall of water from the artificial waterfall. We stood, Ikari and I at the entrance to this garden, this place, this oddity which existed within NERV headquarters. Ikari brought me here. Does it reflect his state of mind? His mind at peace within a sea of emotions.

"It's so pretty," I comment surveying the scenery, "I didn't know this place was on the grounds."

"You've worked here so long and you didn't know?" Ikari asks me. I slowly make my way to the artificial lake, my hand disappears under it's cool depths as I kneel by its shore.

"I was never ordered to come here."

That's right. Orders. That has been my life. One decision followed by another by an outside factor. I never knew anything besides what existed outside that sphere, that knowledge of others. But maybe I know enough to start to question those decisions. Right now I have chosen to be with Ikari rather than with Eva. My selfish decision has delayed my synchronisation test, my selfish act… brought Ikari back.

This is me for I am I.

We don't say anything. Maybe there is no need. Ikari and I don't communicate through words. A lot of things aren't said, maybe they should. I can feel his gaze on me, is this the feeling of pity, awe or longing? I am not sure.

"The first time we touched," I begin, my mouth forming words I'm not use to. But maybe this is a start, maybe all I need is a starting point and that's all. "I didn't feel anything."

"huh?" Ikari questions.

"Your hand."

_Memories of nothingness. Memories of being lost and alone. It was just the commander, Eva, Doctor Akagi and I. Those were the memories which consumed me before Ikari arrived at NERV. Eva allowed me to meet him. The first time I touched his hand I felt nothing, it was just pain. _

"The second time," I continue as Ikari slowly pieces the memories in his head. "It felt a little queasy… I think. "

"Ahhh… about that, I'm sorry," Ikari apologises, so many months and angel attacks later. It is of no consequence, he did nothing to upset me. There was no need for forgiveness for there was nothing to forgive.

_The second time we touched, it felt a little queasy… I think. Ikari showed me disobedience to the commander. Anger. Betrayal. Hate. Compassion. Awe. Longing. All those emotions were directed to the commander. However none to himself or anyone else. The second time we touched, was the closest I have gotten with another human. _

"The third time we touched, I felt warm inside," I continue to speak, unfazed by Ikari's response. Why was I still speaking? Why am I talking about these inconsequential thoughts that exist within me? Why do I want Ikari to listen? Is it for the sake of that promise? "It was the heat from your hand, even through the suit.

_The third time we touched, I felt warm inside. I was a shield, he was a sword. He would run I would remain… always that and always just that. But, he would always return and I would always wait. It didn't make logical sense, this relationship that formed between us. This was the first time that the distance which separated us closed. For the first time it was just him and I, just for the sake of that promise._

"_We might not have anything besides the eva program right now, but… as long as we stay alive, someday we'll be glad that we survived. It might be far in the future but until then, let's live on."_

Ikari doesn't respond. Is that a sign for me to continue? "But the fourth time… I was just happy." That's it. That simple fact. When he was there, outside of NERV, Eva and school. It was just him and I. "Happy that you were concerned about me."

_The fourth time we touched, I was just happy. I was happy that Ikari was here. I was happy for that simple contact between human beings, that the distance between us was closing until we may eventually one day collide. After all, since then, since the first time we touched, who was there besides him and I?_

I look at him, his hazel eyes reflect my crimson ones just like the artificial lake. I was talking to the water this entire time, talking about the inconsequential thoughts that exist within me, I couldn't even look at him then. Is this a reflection of myself? I must reflect these inconsequential thoughts of something in order for them to be heard? In order for them to have meaning? His eyes reflect himself. They reflect the serenity, peace and tranquillity that exist within him, just like this garden that exists within NERV. What do my eyes reflect? What do my eyes hold? Will you be able to tell me one day Ikari? Will you be able to justify the existence of Ayanami Rei?

"Could I hold your hand again?" I ask, making the first request of him. The first time it was a question and not a statement or order. He looks at me confused, those eyes that reflect his inner soul, those eyes never once wavered or changed. It reflected the same feeling of content as it had from the beginning.

"Yeah," Ikari responds holding out his hand. Was he offering or was he accepting? Did it matter in this relationship that had formed between us?

I reached my hand towards his, was I accepting or offering? I did not know. Ikari is here, he is in front of me. This would be the fifth time we touched. This time it was a request, this time it was an acceptance between us. I hope the distance between us continues to grow smaller, after all who was there besides him and I?

_The fifth time we touched, I felt - _


End file.
